


Gilderoy Lockhart is a wanker

by Irisen



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Epistolary, Established Relationship, F/F, Hufflepuff Pride, Hufflepuffs are out for your blood, Lesbian Character, Mild Language, Prompt Fill, Queer Themes, Sprout is buff af, her arms have to be the gunniest arm in the Wizarding world, if you want it to be, misuse of British swearwords, old women in love, the woman has to wrestle with giant hentai plants everyday, you cant take that headcanon away from me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 18:13:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14857730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irisen/pseuds/Irisen
Summary: ... A six-part essay by Professor Pomona Sprout, head of Hufflepuff and herbologist extraordinaire, as taken from letters sent to her wife between the years 1992 and 1993.





	Gilderoy Lockhart is a wanker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HunterPeverell](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HunterPeverell/gifts).



> From a prompt by HunterPeverell which read something a bit like : "Sprout dealing with Lockhart's idiocy."  
> Can't make it simpler.  
> Here you go dude. It got out of hand.

**29th August 1992 :**

My Gillyweed,

Sending you this letter is truly a breath of fresh air in the midst of the absolute chaos that is this year's administrative organisation (hence the nickname).

Despite knowing that I soon will be able to visit you, during the evenings at least, I find that I can't wait such a long time without talking to you, which is why I have decided to start writing to you. You know me, of course, and were probably waiting for it anyways.

So, this time, here's the reason behind me contacting you so soon. Last year it was Minerva and Severus' bickering and now it is something even more grating, as unsurprising as it turns out to be.

You see, Gilderoy Lockhart is an absolute wanker.

It's not surprising really, ever since that curse has been put on the castle, it's been nearly impossible to find a good Defense against the Dark Arts professor. In fact, nine time out of ten we end up with a bloody moron on our backs, the kind of person that burdens us and stops us from doing our job correctly instead of helping us and the rest of the staff.

Of course I always end up complaining about the idiots we get nearly every year, I still can't believe that one of them turned out to be a proper Dark Lord! I know that Quirinus had always been a bit peculiar but I would never have expected him to be You-Know-Who in disguise. I also can't believe that Albus, who fancies himself a great warrior of the light, hired him for the job. I guess defeating a Dark Lord doesn't make you able to detect one.

But enough writing about competent wizards, which Quirinus was, despite his cowardly nature and tendency to be possessed by evil spirits, and more complaining about what currently bothers me most.

Lockhart.

You've probably heard of him before, if only because I have all of his books. They are an extremely good read, not because they provide solid techniques to get rid of the various entities he supposedly defeated, but because they are incredibly funny. He is a very, very ridiculous man who lies so often that, along the way, he started to believe his own stories, and who thinks of himself as more important than, say, Harry Potter.

Truth is, he doesn't know anything.

And I mean that quite litterally too, the man is absolutely unqualified for the position and has no talent for magic. In fact, I would almost believe him to be a Squib if not for the fact that I happen to know that the Charm he uses to straighten his hair is quite difficult to master (it is, in fact, the same one you used when you were younger. How does it feel to have that in common with "the greatest wizard of our generation"?). Sadly, apart from his appearance enhancing spells, I don't think the man knows how to properly use a wand. He apparently had to ask Minerva for the keys to his room, Alohomora, a spell taught to first years students, is out of his reach!

But magic talent doesn't do everything at Hogwarts, Mr Filch is a Squib and still manages to catch the students quite easily. Were he more talented as a teacher than as a wizard, I would probably let it pass, even if I don't condone lying. The wellbeing of the students is greater than my desire to see the truth exposed after all and, if Lockhart had been a good, or even decent, teacher, I would have tolerated him better.

I'm sure it will be  _extremely_ surprising to you but he's not.

The git seems to think that the world revolves around him and that his obviously fake life experiences are all the students need to know to survive an encounter with a dark wizard or a bloodthirsty creature.

I would love to believe that yelling "Espikee" and believing strongly in the power of love between a man and a woman is enough to cure something as serious as dismemberment but, unfortunately, I live in the real world and I know that Episkey is, at best, good at curing headaches.

As an example of the man's stupidity, here's a scene that happened today. It is, in fact, the main reason I'm contacting you. I suppose you could say it was the final straw...

It happened at one of the staff meetings. This time, it wasn't only the senior staff, which consists of the Headmaster and the four head of Houses, but the entirety of the professoral body, who was summoned to Albus' office. We usually meet up in the teachers' room but, this time, and since Albus was involved, we had to make the trip to his tower.

The meeting as a whole was quite boring, as you may have guessed since most meetings usually are. However, Lockhart's many interventions livened it up a little. Unfortunately, it was not in a very good way.

The man actually proposed we hold a Valentine's Day's event!

Maybe it would be easier to transcript what the moron thought were good ideas.

**LOCKHART : I've been thinking about a lot of splendid new ideas for the school year! Obviously, you'll help me with them, professor?**

**( _Albus nodded calmly while Severus sneered, as he usually does when someone who isn't him speaks_ )**

**LOCKHART : First of all this castle is abso-lu-tely dreary, I was thinking of cheering things up a bit with a few colours, maybe-...**

**SEVERUS : We aren't here to talk home decorating, _Gilderoy_.**

**LOCKHART : Not with that attitude!**

**( _He smiled at that point, which made me want to punch him. I think Minerva was feeling the same_ )**

**LOCKHART : But fine! If you don't want my help then you won't get it! Keep your stones and your ... armors ...**

**MINERVA : We happen to like the armors quite a bit.**

**LOCKHART : Sure ... Anyways. Events! I have so many wonderful concepts for this year, especially for Valentine's Day!**

**( _Severus and I looked at each other, for one of the first times in my life, I felt a connection with him, born out of despise for another person_ )**

**LOCKHART : I have a few gnomes in my backyard that I think would be fan-tas-tic as Cupid's elfs, in fact...**

**ALBUS : Gilderoy we are not-...**

**LOCKHART : Yes, yes, be boring Albus, but I ASSURE you, this will work, I already have everything in mind. My little elfs-I'm talking about the gnomes- will speak in verses and they'll be dressed for the occasion... Do you know how hard it is to dress a gnome? Well you probably know, Mr Flitwick. For the others : it's hard. It's very, very hard.**

And he went on and on talking about his oh so wonderful idea while Severus and I started seriously contemplating murdering him. I know I shouldn't write you this, since you're the head of the Department of Justice and will no doubt disapprove of my murderous intents, but I have to tell you that it's very hard not to kill one of your colleagues when you know that you can dispose of his body in less than ten minutes.

That's what fertilizers are for after all.

Well, they're not for killing, but they're useful for it. I would make a great Dark Lord, wouldn't I? Hiding my victims under my plants.

So yes, as you may have noticed, Lockhart is a prick, and a bloody useless one too. I would rather work with Quirinus instead. And not any Quirinus, Quirinus in his bald phase, when he was being possessed by a Dark Lord. Yes. I would rather work with a Dark Lord than have to deal with Lockhart all year. At least, murdering a Dark Lord is considered socially acceptable.

I know that he'll be gone before July, and likely in a gruesome way too, which is a bit comforting, but I'm scared of what he'll do to the school while he's allowed to teach here. Merlin knows these children need some guidance, especially when it comes to fighting the Dark Arts.

At least most of the girls and some of the boys will be happy to see him here and, since he seems to enjoy the fame, he'll no doubt treat them right.

And, if he doesn't, well ... I still need some fertilizer.

Enough of the Wanker, how are things going in London? Did you get any news reguarding that cello you wanted?

Impatiently awaiting your letter,

I love you my Gillyweed,

Pomona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would never think I'd one day end up writing about Sprout but I was given a prompt so I delivered. I know most people don't give a shit about the herbology teacher but man, Hufflepuffs are underrated and I 100% want to headcanon Sprout as a lesbian old woman who will kill to protect her students and who may or may not have bodies buried under her plants.  
> Also she's jacked, I'm sorry, I don't make the rules. As I've said before, she wrestles with hentai plants every single day.
> 
> As for the "Canon Compliant" tag ... well the books didn't say that Pomona Sprout wasn't in a relationship with Amelia Bones, at least I don't think so. I don't have enough time or motivation to read Pottermore outside of the quick tests so idk what the extended universe says and, honestly, I don't really care.
> 
> Anyways thanks for reading, don't think this will attract much people since Sprout is probably the secondariest character out of all secondary HP characters but whatever. I just want to write a story about Hufflepuffs kicking ass.  
> -> Others Author Notes will not be this long x)


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